Have you ever ask yourself if you still want to keep on living? Well, I supposed that many people out there had asked this question because they simply feel empty as if they are the epitome of a living dead. In fact, I asked myself the same question too, not just once but every day of my life because all these years I’d feel like an empty piece of sh*t. Not literally empty, there are thousands of things and ideas that come running inside my mind but I just can’t put it all in words and can’t voice it up. There’s no one in this world who limits me but still, I think that I don’t have any freedom at all, there’s something inside me that tells me to keep all of these things inside.
To be honest, most of the people around me labeled me as unfriendly and cold but I do believe that I, myself is a friendly being. It was just that I choose carefully whom I shall treat as my friends because I’d been hurt and fooled by many fake friends before. Maybe, I was traumatized due to those bitter experiences that I had in the past and that I even curse everyone because I’m losing faith to humanity. Sometimes, I don’t consider myself as a human, I just want to be heartless, something like an android, I just want to be cold and hide my emotions, and that’s led me to be apathetic and nonchalant.
I build my own walls, been indifferent and much as possible cut my ties with the outside world. Right now, I am pretty aware that I am not happy with my life, I’m living with my family, and no proper works just keep on doing freelance jobs and no friends to talk too. Well, being alone is not really a big deal to me now though I still feel sad every time I think that there’s no one out there willing to listen to me. It was like I just have to hide all of my thoughts inside my mind and it were making me insane sometimes.
Truth is, this is what I want, I want to be alone, I want to separated and isolated from the rest of the world. Not that 100% isolated, I still need the internet for my daily life though but just avoiding interaction with other people. I am satisfied with my family yet the only thing I don’t like about them is that they keep on telling me to find a real job where in the first place freelance is what I want to do. For me, forcing someone to do things he/she doesn’t like for your own sake is selfish. Well, how I wish I can say that to my parents but I am avoiding further conflict with them; for the mean time I just want to stay still where I am right now, enjoying my freelance life while helping them with the household finances. It was just sucks that being the oldest child always gives you too many responsibilities and you don’t have many options left.
I’m not in good terms with my siblings too, just staying at house kinda make me feel sick because I really don’t like noisy and annoying people. I just love to complain about their loudness that irritates me so bad, sometimes, I want to tell ‘em that they’re so unintelligent and disgusting. But I guess I’m no big time evil at all to hurt other people feelings.
Until now, I’m still confused; I don’t know what the real purpose of my existence is. Sometimes, it makes me sick to think that I just keep on living in constant boredom and feeling uninspired. Well, I had closed my doors to outsider and maybe that’s the reason why no one is willing to break through my wall. Or maybe, I’m just waiting for that someone to break those barriers and make the first move since I am one of those super lazy hypocrite individual. I’m just really so hopeless nowadays, I feel like no matter how I resist, the bitch called life always knock me out. That’s why I just want to freely flow and feeling lost since somehow, I surrendered the battle long time ago.
No friends, no one to talk too, I’m kinda afraid of die too without accomplishing something. Pride has become one of my most visible facets, and maybe that’s one of the reasons that still give me hope keep on going. I just want to show to everyone that I will never bow down to them no matter what happen.
My multi-facets personalities was really complicated and even I, myself can’t figure out how to fix it. It really gives me too much pain but this was just me, I just can’t change it, this was the perfect me that exist since the very first day I was born. Maybe, some of you we’re asking why I am writing this selfish, egoistic, pessimistic post on my blog, well, this is my personal blog and maybe, somehow and someday, if someone who knew me in real life comes across this blog; it will somehow give ‘em a glimpse of the real me. My real self that was hiding all these years in the shadow of my aloof, cold and prideful physical vessel. I am the embodiment of a megalomaniac, lunatic, psychopath, neurotic, taciturn, heretic, proud and cynical spirit. I still don’t know what my strengths are but I can easily unearth my imperfections, and by knowing that really makes me so stupid. Well, I just wish that someday, before I gone, that person whom I worship will somehow remember me, even just a small piece of my very existence.
To be honest, most of the people around me labeled me as unfriendly and cold but I do believe that I, myself is a friendly being. It was just that I choose carefully whom I shall treat as my friends because I’d been hurt and fooled by many fake friends before. Maybe, I was traumatized due to those bitter experiences that I had in the past and that I even curse everyone because I’m losing faith to humanity. Sometimes, I don’t consider myself as a human, I just want to be heartless, something like an android, I just want to be cold and hide my emotions, and that’s led me to be apathetic and nonchalant.
I build my own walls, been indifferent and much as possible cut my ties with the outside world. Right now, I am pretty aware that I am not happy with my life, I’m living with my family, and no proper works just keep on doing freelance jobs and no friends to talk too. Well, being alone is not really a big deal to me now though I still feel sad every time I think that there’s no one out there willing to listen to me. It was like I just have to hide all of my thoughts inside my mind and it were making me insane sometimes.
Truth is, this is what I want, I want to be alone, I want to separated and isolated from the rest of the world. Not that 100% isolated, I still need the internet for my daily life though but just avoiding interaction with other people. I am satisfied with my family yet the only thing I don’t like about them is that they keep on telling me to find a real job where in the first place freelance is what I want to do. For me, forcing someone to do things he/she doesn’t like for your own sake is selfish. Well, how I wish I can say that to my parents but I am avoiding further conflict with them; for the mean time I just want to stay still where I am right now, enjoying my freelance life while helping them with the household finances. It was just sucks that being the oldest child always gives you too many responsibilities and you don’t have many options left.
I’m not in good terms with my siblings too, just staying at house kinda make me feel sick because I really don’t like noisy and annoying people. I just love to complain about their loudness that irritates me so bad, sometimes, I want to tell ‘em that they’re so unintelligent and disgusting. But I guess I’m no big time evil at all to hurt other people feelings.
Until now, I’m still confused; I don’t know what the real purpose of my existence is. Sometimes, it makes me sick to think that I just keep on living in constant boredom and feeling uninspired. Well, I had closed my doors to outsider and maybe that’s the reason why no one is willing to break through my wall. Or maybe, I’m just waiting for that someone to break those barriers and make the first move since I am one of those super lazy hypocrite individual. I’m just really so hopeless nowadays, I feel like no matter how I resist, the bitch called life always knock me out. That’s why I just want to freely flow and feeling lost since somehow, I surrendered the battle long time ago.
No friends, no one to talk too, I’m kinda afraid of die too without accomplishing something. Pride has become one of my most visible facets, and maybe that’s one of the reasons that still give me hope keep on going. I just want to show to everyone that I will never bow down to them no matter what happen.
My multi-facets personalities was really complicated and even I, myself can’t figure out how to fix it. It really gives me too much pain but this was just me, I just can’t change it, this was the perfect me that exist since the very first day I was born. Maybe, some of you we’re asking why I am writing this selfish, egoistic, pessimistic post on my blog, well, this is my personal blog and maybe, somehow and someday, if someone who knew me in real life comes across this blog; it will somehow give ‘em a glimpse of the real me. My real self that was hiding all these years in the shadow of my aloof, cold and prideful physical vessel. I am the embodiment of a megalomaniac, lunatic, psychopath, neurotic, taciturn, heretic, proud and cynical spirit. I still don’t know what my strengths are but I can easily unearth my imperfections, and by knowing that really makes me so stupid. Well, I just wish that someday, before I gone, that person whom I worship will somehow remember me, even just a small piece of my very existence.